Every once in a while I seem to go into this "slump" sometimes it's just a lack of B12, other times I think it's just a multitude of things. Have you ever just felt confused? Like, you don't know what to think, how to act, what to say or how to be? And the only reason why you question all these things is because you feel like no matter how you react to any of the above, it's wrong? Well, you're not the only one.
I often feel "wrong" or confused. I think that's just a part of growing up...even though I don't necessarily feel like I am growing up---or, maybe I am...but you get my jist.
|photo credit: pinterest|
Spending 20 years worth of time has taught me a lot about what adults think about. Finances, the news, bills and wishes. Sometimes the first three things become an obsession, to the point where I feel like I need to escape and think only about sunshine and coffee. Sometimes I am a culprit and dwell on fear of the future---instead of being excited for the future. If I hear a lot about how people struggle with money I start to believe that I too will struggle. I hear about how bills can cause debt and then I fear that I'll unconsciously fall into a perpetual pit of debt. (I don't even own a credit card, so it's kinda ridiculous for me to even worry....and I don't plan on getting a credit card. ever.)
I hear stories about couples who've fallen out of love, and I read about all the celebs who get married and divorced and see other people in between. "She lied, he cheated, love never lasts" those types of headlines stick in my mind and make me feel afraid to ever envision a "happily ever after".
A lot goes through my mind, and I know I am not the only 20-year-old out there who experiences this.
I have the capability to see the good in things, and I could also let things go as far as fears and worries (for the most part), because I have God and He has always taught me not to worry. My family has been through a lot in their lives and I know it wasn't always easy for them. That being said, I can understand why they worry about things and talk about things I don't always understand. The thing that confuses me is...or should I say, the question I have is -- what am I going to do? I was always told to be happy no matter who or what tries to interfere. I try to live up to that as best I can, and try to make others happy too, which, occasionally doesn't turn out the way I hoped. Sometimes I think I try too hard to make people happy, and they mistake my efforts as "not taking their problems or concerns seriously". I guess I am at fault for that sometimes, but honestly, how am I supposed to know what to say or how to react to everything if I am - again - only 20 years old?
I am technically an adult, though I am not nearly as wise or life skilled as the other adults in my family, so that often makes me feel incompetent or "too young" to understand their opinions on things; especially if I have tried to understand something but because of not seeing it at "their level" or at least how they expect me to understand it--my efforts were in vain. I have high respect for them for sure, and do my best to make them proud. But sometimes I feel like they don't always understand me. It's not that I don't think they don't try, I think perhaps it's partially my fault because I do have a tendency to come across as "vague" when I give my own thoughts or opinions.
I understand the adult view on young people such as myself: book smart but not street smart, irresponsible, lazy, caught up in nonsense, ignorant, stubborn, disrespectful to elders. I understand this because I've witnessed it. A lot of people my age think they know more than their parents. To me, to even think that you have ANYTHING over your parents is stupid, because nobody understands the role of a parent until they become one. It's more difficult than you think. I understand this better because I nanny three kids 12 hours a day, four days a week with no pay---like a real parent! The idea of thinking you can just live life doing whatever you want and blowing all your money is fun, believe me; but suddenly reality takes place and you find yourself searching for pennies and dimes in pockets to put in a little jar in hope of buying a house one day. Or using any money you have leftover from dedicating to gas and food and important things like soap and razors (because after working 12 hours you come home looking like a disheveled creature) to get coffee just to stay awake during the day after you have depleted all your vitamins. Then you have to make dinner and usually there isn't anything in the house so you have to put on your thinking cap and think: "how can I make this work without having to spend money?" Then you leave your nannying job and come home to adults who spend their time trying to provide for young people like ourselves, so naturally you want to help them as much as you can, which means staying up late to polish the floors and dust so your mom doesn't have to worry about it, doing any leftover laundry, hearing them vent about their day (because everyone deserves to alleviate themselves from stress) even if its stuff you don't take an interest in or understand. Then by the time you're done with those things, you use the leftover time for yourself to wash, feel human again, and try to fall asleep quick so you feel rested when you wake up in a couple hours and start it all over again.
To a 20 year old this lifestyle is almost insane. You feel like you have no time to do anything anymore except boring chores -- but it does a lot more good for you than you realize. An adult lives like this daily, we just don't see it because as young people we are too caught up in ourselves and our own needs than the needs and concerns of others. I'm sure a lot of young people who read this will feel like I have "offended" them, but you know what? People will judge you anyway. In the depths of the confusion I experience I try to make it work as best I can. I'm learning how to handle and think like an adult, though I'm not gonna worry or fear things either. I'm learning how to raise children (this is something young people don't think about or experience often until they are older) it ain't always easy and sometimes its nerve-racking, but it's usually always wonderful and fascinating. There's a time when everyone gets afraid of something, that's what makes us human, but I'm starting to see light at the end of the tunnel now. Perhaps what I'm supposed to do is learn from adults and take their advice to heart, and continue to mature, but also give them a chance to feel free and young by following their example and having fun, and try to share in their conversations that I find revelatory to my (not nearly as important) daily life experiences, in hope to at least make them smile and show them that I am making an effort to see them at "their level" and take "their concerns" seriously.
I may not know a lot about finances, paying bills, holding a steady job or planning for the future, but you can be sure as heck I'll do my best to try and figure it out. That's what adults do. They do their best. My decision is to do all of this and stay happy---even if others aren't, it's my job to keep the positivity flowing. I want to set good example for young people to give hope to adults that there will be future---a happy future. So in my times of feeling incompetent, afraid of how adults see me, or feeling incapable of making them proud because I haven't accomplished what they have accomplished at my age, I have to breathe, let go of worry, make a good effort and trust in God.